[Okie]

Great - just great. An emu...

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[Scottyf79]

Need to get me an emu! Especially one that eats steak!

[Okie]

Kobe, I suppose - just the best for the tall bird.

[Moderator Blast]

Thank you Wizz, just perfect.

[Moderator Blast]

Subject: What Is A 710?



A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred- ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred- ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'.

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.' the mechanic fainted

If you're not sure what a 710 is




Scroll down











710 aka oil

with love from moderator Blast

[wizz]

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.' The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma..' The next day the grandmother died.

'Holy s**t thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee,looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late,what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!’

[wizz]

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 a piece on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards:NAIVE
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? (My sentiments exactly!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
3. OK ..... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or Hooters.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
8. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
9 Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
* ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
10. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
11. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
*~*~*~*~*~*! ~*~*~*~*
12. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
13. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
14. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
15. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ... they're cramming for their final exam.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*~ *~*
18. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
19. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
22. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
23. At income tax time, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells ... 'THEIRS'?

[Moderator Blast]

[Moderator Blast]

Two jokes from Blast tonight because shes missing Wizz.


You may need a few minutes spare to read this one.


One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director

was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven

where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter "Before you get settled in though,

it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once

had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we're not really

sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the woman. "Well, I'd like to,"

replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is

let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose

whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven,"

said the woman.

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in

an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she

found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf

course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her

were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and

they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up

and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They

played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club

where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the

Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a

great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time

that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand

and waved good-bye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went

up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter

waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next

24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She

had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.

Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent

a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman

paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say

this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a

better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and

again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a

desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends

were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in

sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and

there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we

danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland of garbage

and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "Yesterday we were recruiting you,

today you're staff..."


Blast

[Moderator Blast]

WARNING There is one slightly naughty word in this but it's only little so forgive me, it's worth it.


Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage."

"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."




Blast

[Okie]

Now, that's a good one!

Moderator Blast, on 30 August 2011 - 08:10 PM, said:

WARNING There is one slightly naughty word in this but it's only little so forgive me, it's worth it.


Tim and Janice met on a singles cruise and Tim fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in neighboring cities only a few miles apart Tim was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Tim had taken Janice to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums. Tim became convinced that Janice was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Tim took Janice to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Tim said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage."

"So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Janice took a deep breath and responded, "Tim, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Tim replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."




Blast

[wizz]

Never Lie to a Woman

A man called home to his wife and said, " Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends"

"We'll be gone for a week."

"This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up"

" Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. "

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish."

"But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?"

You'll love the answer...

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box ..."

Never Lie To A Woman...!!!

[wizz]

Why we like being British

True Reports from British life ........


*BRITISH NEWSPAPERS*

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for
the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'

(The Daily Telegraph)



Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was
missing her Italian boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evening News)



Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and
They don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)



A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman
commented, 'This sort of thing is all too common'.

(The Times)



At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he
didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)



Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each
week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - 'He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came
up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.''

(Bournemouth Evening Echo)



*HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND TUBE*

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to
Be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let
you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time.
The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here
for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a
wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told
me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it
to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the
sauna, ladies and gentleman... Unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8 ) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate
instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your
bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you
understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal
Message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from
the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint,
it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

[Moderator Blast]

great stuff as always, wizz.

[wizz]

One for Scotty

Subject: A Wee Drink

Mike and Jim were a couple of drinking pals who worked as aircraft mechanics at Glasgow Airport. One day the airport was fogged
in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Mike said, "Jeez, I wish we had something to drink!".

Jim says, "Me as weel. Y'ken, I've heard ye can swallie jet fuel an' get a buzz. Ye gonnae try it?

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high-octane hootch and get completely smashed. The next morning Mike wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings...It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how dae ye feel this mornin'?"

Mike says, "Brilliant! Whit aboot yersel'?"

Jim says, "Ah feel great, tae. Dae ye hiv a sair heid?"

Mike says, "Naw, that jet fuel is great stuff - nae hangover, nothin'. We need tae drink this stuff insteed o' Smirnoff."

"Aye! But there's just wan thing..."

"Whit's that?"

"Huv ye farted yet?"

"Naw..."

"Well, DINNAE, 'cause ah'm in Dusseldorf!"

[AdamD]

Not a joke per se, but a really funny story. Anyone who's an enthusiast about computers will love this. From December 2002.
And if it helps, he's Irish.

Thread title: :mad: Kramer and other members promoting water cooling- you have alot to answer
Post:
I decided this weekend to try and quiten my PC by following some other members lead and going down the water cooling road. The fans on my PC were really starting to drive me mad

The first thing that I did was to remove all the fans. The one on the processor and graphics card were no problem but the one in the power unit was a bugger to get out.

The most difficult part was sealing all the ventilitation openings in the PC case with silicon. I also put silicon all around the joints on the PC case. The smell of silicon was dreadful but when my wife complained I told her to be patent as it will be worth it when we have a completely silent PC.

Because I had completely sealed the PC case the only opening near top was the DVD drive. So I opened that and put the small hose I had purchased specially for the job into the DVD drive as far as it would go. With what I can only describe as great excitement and anticipation, I turned on the water. It really is amazing just how long it took before the case was complete full, and boy was it heavy. That didn't really bother me as I didn't intend to be moving the PC anyway.

The big moment had arrived so I called in my wife and mother in law (who was visiting) and I announced "prepare to hear nothing!" and flicked the switch on the socket on the wall.

Before I could even press the power button on front of the PC, with a loud bang, the whole place was plunged into darkness

I knew that it was only the tripswitch so I told my onlookers not to panic and I ran out to the hall to turn the trip switch back on. But can u believe it, it wouldn't stay on. After five attempts I decided to try unplugging the PC and would you believe...yes the trip switch stayed on. My conclusion: the PC must have in some way been causing the problem.

After about an hour of tries I finally decided to abandon the whole idea of water cooling and emptied the water out of the PC, put back in the fans (except the fan in the power unit, I had broken that one getting it out) and tried the pc AGAIN. IT STILL CAUSED THE TRIP SWTICH TO BLOW!

My PC is completely shagged thanks to stupid suggestions that I got on this forum. What the hell am I going to do now. I spent two hours last night with a hair drier inside the PC case and it still trips the switch.

Any suggestions greatly appreciated

Conor :mad:

[AdamD]

This is for you Blast.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture
on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in
and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then
looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what
we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything
resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..." he sighed,

(scroll down)
























"let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box".

[wizz]

Plagiarism......

http://www.thegalaxy...dpost__p__23280

[Moderator Blast]

I still thik the silk Pj's in the fishing tackle box is one of my favs. It's a femme fatal thing

[wizz]

Doesn't surprise me a bit.....