[wizz]

Paddy's in jail.
Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
What the hell you doing ?, he asks.
Hangin myself Paddy replies.
It should be around your neck, Says the Guard.
I tried dat, says Paddy.....but I couldn't breathe

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[Moderator Blast]

wizz, on 24 July 2011 - 11:12 AM, said:

Paddy's in jail.
Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
What the hell you doing ?, he asks.
Hangin myself Paddy replies.
It should be around your neck, Says the Guard.
I tried dat, says Paddy.....but I couldn't breathe

Original Joke

Pet owner goes into the vets
"my cats got no nose"
vet- well how does he smell then?
"thats a bloody silly question! I came in here for a bit of sympathy and I'm confronted with questions. Not only that but sexism, why did you assume it was a boy" and
anti disability, what have you got against animals who are less fortunate because they can't lead a normal life" People like you make me sick!!!

That's as far as I got, I'm working on the punchline

[Scottyf79]

What kind of fish plays football?








A goal kipper!

[wizz]

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?'
demanded the Irishman indignantly. 'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'
Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would Ya? Would Ya?
The assistant said: 'Well, no.'
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.
'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?' 'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'
'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?


The assistant replies: 'Because you're in Homebase'

[wizz]

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

[Scottyf79]

This ones close to the wind so remove if need be:

Young boy heads up to his bedroom and hears noises comming from his older sisters room. He peeks in the slightly open door to see his sister butt naked infront of her mirror. Rubbing her hands up and down over her body she repeats "i want a man, i want a man".

The young boy is shocked by this and scampers off to bed!

A couple of nights pass and the same ritual is performed by the older sister - butt naked infront of the mirror, "i want a man, i want a man"

The weekend arrives and our young boy heads upstairs to bed. This time as hes passing his sisters room he hears a lot of weird noises. Ooo's and ahhhs, moaning and groaning - he peaks in fearing for his sisters safety!
Eyes like saucers he see's his sister yet again butt naked - but this time shes rolling around in bed - with a man!

He runs like a bat out of hell to his room, slams the door shut, strips off his clothes and stands in front of his mirror naked. Rubbing his hands over his body he yells

"I WANT A BIKE, I WANT A BIKE!"

[Moderator Blast]

wizz, on 24 July 2011 - 11:44 PM, said:

Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.
The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'
'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?'
demanded the Irishman indignantly. 'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'
Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'
'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would Ya? Would Ya?
The assistant said: 'Well, no.'
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear.
'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?' 'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'
'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?


The assistant replies: 'Because you're in Homebase'

X100 Nice start to my day

[Moderator Blast]

Scottyf79, on 25 July 2011 - 07:28 AM, said:

This ones close to the wind so remove if need be:

Young boy heads up to his bedroom and hears noises comming from his older sisters room. He peeks in the slightly open door to see his sister butt naked infront of her mirror. Rubbing her hands up and down over her body she repeats "i want a man, i want a man".

The young boy is shocked by this and scampers off to bed!

A couple of nights pass and the same ritual is performed by the older sister - butt naked infront of the mirror, "i want a man, i want a man"

The weekend arrives and our young boy heads upstairs to bed. This time as hes passing his sisters room he hears a lot of weird noises. Ooo's and ahhhs, moaning and groaning - he peaks in fearing for his sisters safety!
Eyes like saucers he see's his sister yet again butt naked - but this time shes rolling around in bed - with a man!

He runs like a bat out of hell to his room, slams the door shut, strips off his clothes and stands in front of his mirror naked. Rubbing his hands over his body he yells

"I WANT A BIKE, I WANT A BIKE!"

x50
If he waited till his sister was on top, next time he would have somewhere to park his bike

[wizz]

Blast, on 25 July 2011 - 09:23 AM, said:

x50
If he waited till his sister was on top, next time he would have somewhere to park his bike

Please don't encourage him

( and watch your sloppy syntax tut tut )

[Moderator Blast]

wizz, on 25 July 2011 - 09:26 AM, said:

Please don't encourage him

( and watch your sloppy syntax tut tut )

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses with a heart attack!
"Help me dear" she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 999 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter and lines up his shot.

"I'm dying here and you're putting"

"Don't worry dear", says the husband calmly, "they've found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you"

"well how long will it take him to get here" she asks feebly.

"No time at all" says the husband. "Everybody's agreed to let him play through"

[wizz]

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[Moderator Blast]

A visual joke from me to set you up for the day.

How true........................NOT

[Moderator Blast]

Not so much a joke as a thought for the day.

If men were the ones to clean the toilets in the house they'd be more like cats.
They'd go next door and do there business in the neighbours.

[wizz]

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

So STAY AWAY FROM HOSPITAL!!, if at all possible

[Moderator Blast]

wizz, on 26 July 2011 - 08:40 PM, said:

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

So STAY AWAY FROM HOSPITAL!!, if at all possible

I take it this was a copy and paste or are you as fast a typist as you are a flyer

[wizz]

I have so many of these.....you would not believe

Would you like more ??

PS: Yes, I'm a fast typist

[Moderator Blast]

wizz, on 26 July 2011 - 08:49 PM, said:

I have so many of these.....you would not believe

Would you like more ??

PS: Yes, I'm a fast typist

Oh go on then why not.

[wizz]

From The London Times: A Well-Planned Retirement


Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, it’s parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars (£1.40),for buses (about £7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy ... is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 7 million pounds ... and no one even knows his name !

[Moderator Blast]

wizz, on 26 July 2011 - 09:12 PM, said:

From The London Times: A Well-Planned Retirement


Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, it’s parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars (£1.40),for buses (about £7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy ... is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 7 million pounds ... and no one even knows his name !

Cool!

[ak3dgfx]

wizz, on 26 July 2011 - 09:12 PM, said:

From The London Times: A Well-Planned Retirement


Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, it’s parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were for cars (£1.40),for buses (about £7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility.

The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee.

The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy ... is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about £560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over 7 million pounds ... and no one even knows his name !

sadly, although it's a great story, it's not true

http://www.snopes.co...ver/carpark.asp